Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Halloween and Boiling Water.

I've come to the conclusion that Halloween is a work out! No really, I was exhausted. My arm was killing me from carrying my two year old nephew and my legs hurt from two days of walking. We did hit three different towns and took in a ton of candy. I never got the fact that costumes are hard to see out of till now, I guess I never thought of it when I was a kid. My sweet nephews are not that coordinated to begin with. Then add a Ninja mask or Mario hat, and they really can’t walk a straight line. And what's with all the solid black costumes? What a great idea lets dress kids in solid black from head to toe and send them out in to night. Why don't we just paint yellow lines down their backs too! Parents should really think these things through better. Next year I think Wynette should make them as a chain gang, dress them in orange with handcuffs. Then you really just have to keep up with one of them! Works right? This maybe why I'm not a parent.

Jay and I had an argument about boiling water, I know we really can argue about anything. He seems to think boiling water is hot, but I say boiling water is boiling. Because boiling water is physically different from hot water. You don’t “put water on the stove till its hot” you “put water on the stove til it boils”. Hot water might have some steam, but boiling water has steam and bubbles. And you wash your dishes with hot water, not boiling water. I’m pretty sure there is an exact temperature that hot water goes to boiling water, I just don’t know what that is. And I’m too lazy to look it up. So if by some chance your reading this and your a physicist, please take time from trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe to answer this question…..

Mexican gypsy

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Fighting a Bear with a Popsicle Stick and It So Wasn't Worth It...

This weekend my mom was trying to get her lawn mower fixed, and in the garage was a gigantic hornets nest. My mother is deathly allergic to hornets. (As in she once got stung and the doctor thought she was having a stroke) She comes out with a can of fly spray. So we're all what the hell? You're going to try to kill hornets with fly spray?!? And she says YES! I ask "do you have an EpiPen?" And she says NO! So I took the can away from her. And she was not happy! So Wynette decides to play ninja and pull her team Edward hoodie up and kill some Hornets!....With fly spray....F.Y.I. Fly spray will in fact slow down hornets, but you really have to step on them while they're dazed and confused. So we all stood in yard watching Wynette, until we had to run screaming like idiots from drunk hornets. Then my mom gave us this speech about how she does that everyday, when no one else is around. And we all felt comforted to know that she's truly crazy. As Louis was giving me that what the hell look, I said "you should see her fighting a bear with a Popsicle stick". And Louis just nodded at me. And I am pretty sure he was thinking they are all crazy....And he would be right!

So we tried to decorate our house for halloween. And it so wasn't worth it!! I can't stress how much it wasn't. We had this Frankenstein that goes around your tree and looks like you have the monster tied to the tree. How hard can it be, Right? First of all Jay had a hard time getting all the pieces together. And then as we're carrying it outside Jay says "Well don't step on it!". And then as I bend down to pick it up, Jay let the screen door slam on my head. And then he starts laughing!! It was a really loud thud and the neighbors came outside to see what the noise was. He felt really bad and tried to hug me and I pushed him away, not because I was mad but because he was standing on my foot. At that point I was all screw this, and I gave up. And the decoration looks like crap...

P.S. I do not in anyway endorse fighting a bear with a popsicle stick. Unless you are crazy, it just might work out for you......

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I got nothing and Don't live by the Lake!

I got nothing, no really. I've been in a bad mood all week. It seems everyone around me keeps getting bad news. So I'm all WHAT THE FUCK! Everythings fine in my house, but I just hate good people having to go through bad times. I got a free Starbucks card and ate my own weight in asparagus, so really I have nothing to complain about myself. And yet I still do....So the other night we went to Starbucks, and I started talking to my Pumpkin Spice Latte.
Me-Oh Pumpkin Spice Latte, how I love you so.
Jay-Don't listen to her, she would dump you in a minute for an Egg Nog Latte.
Me-(covering the latte with my hand)Shhhhhhhh
Jay- You know that Latte doesn't have ears right?
Me- Dirty look-
Jay- You are crazy....
I've cut back on caffeine lately. So I'm thinking when I do drink it, it makes me a little crazy. Or it could be genetics.

OMG! So some freaks tried to kidnap some girls close to my sisters house. As Jay is trying to tell my sister the details and to be careful. My Mom keeps yelling "IT'S BECAUSE OF THE LAKE,IT'S BECAUSE OF THE LAKE!". Apparently sex offenders love the lake! A fact I didn't know. Oh and beware of friendly people. Thanks Mom!

P.S. My sister in no way lives close to a lake...And I'm pretty sure its genetics....


Oh Pumpkin Spice Latte, How I Love You So!!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Big Ass Creepy Birds and what happen at the Halloween Store...

I was at Target with Wynette the other day, when her SUV was attacked by Big Ass Creepy birds!! I HATE THEM! It was one of those I only need "five minutes" so I said I'll stay in the car. Ok, first If Wynette ever says it will only be five minutes she's lying. As I was sitting there I started hearing a strange noise like something was trying to rip the roof off. It was super creepy, because at first I had no idea what was going on. I thought someone was trying to crawl in the back door. Till I saw the Big Ass Birds in the reflection of the cars parked next to me. I started to bang on the roof only to have more Big Ass Creepy Birds join the two already there. And then one landed on the mirror to stare at me. And in that moment all I could think was ZOMBIE BIRDS!!! Yes, I was thinking it must be zombie birds waiting for me to get out of the car so they could eat my brains. I know it is an irrational fear, but if these big Ass Creepy Birds where Zombies how would anyone know? They have really creepy zombie eyes and they tilt their head in that "I'm going to eat your brains" way.
I sent Wynette a text to let her know I was being attacked in her car by Big Ass Creepy Zombie Birds and she didn't reply, but finally came back forty-five minutes later. Needless to say the Big Ass Creepy Zombie Birds didn't attack her, but I'm pretty sure they followed us home.

Went to the Halloween store with Riley, who is afraid of everything! All he could say was Oh no,Oh no scary, scary! My nephews think I'm mean (who knows why) So I told Riley "you know I'm mean so I won't let anything get you right?" he was still reluctant but he went in anyway.
Riley- That ones not so scary.
Me- Which one?
Riley- The man. (and pointed to a Obama mask)
Me- Riley thats the president,its the scariest one of all!!
Riley- What?
Everyone around us - laughter...

P.S. Big Ass Creepy Zombie Birds ruin "The meet at the water tower plan" to avoid Zombies. I now have to come up with a new plan, to incorporate flying Zombies.....Damn you Big Ass Creepy Zombie Birds!!!

Big Ass Creepy Bird


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Slumber party club(aka vodka hates me) and Don't open that window.

First rule of Slumber party club is, you do not TALK about Slumber party club..The second rule of Slumber party club is, you do not fall asleep first..Or you totally get messed with! Ok, so I'm breaking the first rule, but I made them up. So I can do that! Poor Ashleigh did fall asleep first or passed out(semantics)what ever you want to call it. We took really embarrassing pictures of her and a weenie. That I will not post,due to the fact that she might beat our asses....Did I mention that we pick her up in a bar! As must as I knew that Tequila tried to kill me once, I now know Vodka hates me. In the fact that I do really STUPID things when I drink(like peeing in someones yard). Thats why it only happens once every ten years. We did come up with a lot of catch phrases. Like looking for a needle in a haystack is now code for looking for a small penis. There is nothing like six woman hanging out and having fun, but drinking and then having to climb two sets of stairs is a bad idea. I survived, but it took days to recover..

"Don't open that window" could be used metaphorically.(I love using metaphors;see above pargraph) As in don't open that window of opportunity or don't even start something, but this time I mean literally! My Mother decided to open the window at her house, I guess she forgot about the air conditioner. It came crashing to the ground and almost broke out the window. Jay heard the crash and ran in to find her staring at the open window with a "what the F***" look on her face. Then she got mad. When my mother gets mad, its a run for the hills kind of mad. And people wonder where I get it from. Jay (the saint) put the air conditioner back and fixed what ever the problem was, and all was saved. And none of my mothers five-million cats were injured in making of this story(they sleep under the window sometimes).

Monday, August 9, 2010

We almost died!!!!....Ok, not really and why I'm not taking Ambien...

We almost died!...Ok, not really. I've always known Jay will some how kill me,I really thought it would be in a fiery crash or me tripping on a hanger he left on the floor. But the other night I watched my life flash before me, because of pump #5. We were waiting in line to get gas and so was this kid. We started to pull forward and kid started to back up to the pump. Not sure why he was doing this because his gas tank was on the other side of his car. Jay then honks at him, he flips us off and parks in front of the station. Jay of course can't keep his mouth shut and gets out of his car and says "its not my fault you can't f***ing drive". The kid next to us says "I heard that" and then I realize that its a pack of about five cars filled with kids (twenty something boys) all together. And I start thinking great, I'm going to get beat to death because I'm to stupid to let Jay die alone! They were all talking trash like "lets kick his ass" and even with my ninja skills we didn't have a chance. So I start looking in the car for a weapon, just in case. And I got nothing!! Execpt a left over flag from Fourth of July and what am I going to do? smart them with patriotism. And then I'm thinking my dad would be so disappointed that I'm not prepared. But I have my phone. I should just call the police, but what do I tell them...Oh yea something might happen want to come out here?..Jay gets out to pay and I make him take the keys with him to put in his fist, again just in case. He pays, comes back to car and nothing happens...I just FREAKED out for nothing!

I been having trouble sleeping. So I thought about getting a precription for Ambien, but now I'm thinking that would be a bad idea. Because apparently you black out, eat weird things and do random drunk calling. Thats why I rarely drink and don't do drugs, God knows I'm crazy enough without the help. Plus I'm always on a diet and don't want to wake up one morning and the cat be missing. So now I'm just going to contiune my slow addiction to Nyquil.

P.S. Now you know why I never cough or sneeze... ;)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Everyone's pissy and Fortieth birthdays...

So everyone's really pissy!! And they keep blaming the heat, but really? I think people just wait for it to get hot, so they can bitch without being held accountable.
But then again I'm made for heat not for cold, yes its the jalapeno juice running through my veins. I also know in the middle of an Oklahoma summer not to do yard work at the hottest time of the day. So if you have to be outside, I get it. You have my permission to Bitch away...But if not...Shut up! :)

My Sister just turned Forty(but in no way looks it!).I kind of have to put that in. We went out to celebrate with dinner, a movie and dancing. Dinner was great,because it's food and how can you go wrong with Louie's Pizza. The Movie Charlie St. Cloud is really, really sad and a little Erotic. Which is kind of disturbing, only in the fact that you feel really bad for Charlie and you want to kidnap him and do horrible dirty things to him! In the way that if you weren't married and didn't have kids you could kill two birds with one stone. It's an eerie feeling when your maternal and cougar sides collide.;)(like everytime I see Robert Pattinson) The Club...Just let me say I never want to be single, because people are crazy and apparently get dressed in the dark. One of my friends kicks this guy(twice)and said "he didn't ask me to dance!" If your like me, you didn't know that kicking someone was the international sign for I want to dance with you! Then there was the wolf pack (yes, a twilight reference)that walked up to our table every fifteen minutes but never asked anyone to dance. And last but not least the troll that told our friend that he was coming back in twenty-five minutes to dance with her. She asked what to tell him if he did come back and I said "tell him the bridge called and the goats are getting across" but I guess he got lost and cause he never made it back. We walked our friend to her hotel and then had a late night stop at Taco Bell...And agreed to not do that again for another year... :)